R. Sutherland Smith

On the short list of useless and annoying things in the world, just after telemarketers, timeshare dealers and used car salespersons, comes the web page autobiography. After all, who really wants to know that the author of their favorite book had a deliriously happy childhood followed by three unsuccessful marriages, a brief addiction to the crossword puzzle and keeps 15 cats in his living room? Mr. Smith, the subject of this web page, has experienced none of these things. After an uneventful and uninspired childhood in the suburbs of Westchester County, his mother packed him off to Texas Christian University in the hope that it would improve his character.
She was gravely disappointed in this.
After 4 years of not improving his character, Mr. Smith returned to New York, his parents having long since left for Pennsylvania leaving no forwarding address. Advanced degree in English in hand, Mr. Smith soon found himself working as an analyst in the City's Office of Management & Budget, a position which required very little English and a considerable skill in mathematics, a skill which Mr. Smith notably lacked. After a time, he was promoted to another position for which he was totally unprepared, Director of Environmental Affairs. It was during this time that someone reminded him that he still held a degree in English and that perhaps he might do something with it. Eventually Mr. Smith was admitted into the Environmental Education program at New York University and wrote a book about what he had learned there. To his great surprise, the book was published and helped save him from the embarrassment of reneging on the payment of his overextended student loans. Published in 1997, the 450 page look at the many ways in which environmental management could improve a company's profitability while saving portions of the planet, the book is best known for its use as a paperweight and its contribution to the cure of insomnia. His wife swears that she reads herself to sleep with it every night and has never made it past page 10.

Mr. Smith subsequently turned to fiction and semi-fiction. His current book, The Dietary Habits of Blue Closet Trolls, is a mixture of autobiography and complete fabrication with occasional forays into self-delusion. His upcoming novel details the experiences of a city boy who volunteers to look after a few farm animals at the local zoo and finds himself face-to-face with an unexpected rhinoceros, a horny and a metrosexual tapir (see illustration at left as you certainly don't know what a tapir is) and an up-close introduction to a dismal variety of dungs, most of which involved the scraping off of the bottoms of his boots.

Today Mr. Smith is a writer, illustrator and dabbler in real estate who lives with his wife and two dogs in Houston. He paints watercolors of fictional and non-fictional animals but generally likes to stay at home and play with the dogs. He writes books for children of all ages. These children may be five years old. They may be middle aged. A large number are collecting Social Security. Some people never grow up, and according to Mrs. Smith, that would include her husband. As a former assistant zookeeper, he is donating 10% of the proceeds of Blue Closet Trolls to local animal shelters and would appreciate any assistance you might provide by buying lots and lots of his books. This concludes the autobiography section of the webpage. Have a nice day.